Mental health and wellbeing crisis alert…

Image result for stress anxiety pms

I’m struggling.

I feel unwell but I don’t think I’m sick.   I thought I was sick.  I feel sure I had a hormone related migraine.  Do you get them.?  When I get them, which is not every month but when I do they always fall just before a period.   (A joyous additional PMT symptom that provides more proof that should I believe in a god I would be sure it would be male! ) Sometimes they’re full on agonising headache; where a dark room isn’t dark enough; where the pressure is so great I vomit.  Sometimes they just mess with my mental dexterity;  I can’t string a sentence together, I can’t process the words i see into words i read and understand;  I can’t balance, my spacial awareness is fucked.  If you get them you will recognise the joys.

I’m hot. Or I’m cold. I wake up in a pool of sweat. My entire body hurts. When I sleep my legs hurt and wake me up. My arms go numb.  (Yes I’ve tried turning the mattress and yes I’ve got myself a new pillow…)

I’m irritable and irrational. Small things are overwhelming.

I’m finding it difficult, nigh on impossible, to concentrate. I can’t process information. My coordination is shot. I keep forgetting things. Instantly. Like the dinner I was in the middle of cooking. Or the soldering iron I switched on to heat up. Or who is on the end of the ringing phone of the call I’m making.

This week I’ve been awake when I should be asleep. Asleep when I should be awake.

I’ve wanted to scream at so many people. I’ve burnt things. I’ve dropped things.

Making a meal has been a taxing task. I love cooking. I manage cafes, I run a B&B, I entertain friends. I’ve mis-timed, undercooked, overcooked, left out basic ingredients (the cheese from the cheese sauce for example)..

I’m tearful. I’m angry. I’m frustrated. I’m stressed.

Did I mention I want to scream at people? Yep. grrrr

I am totally not me. I’m this other.

Some of it is PMT. But at my age, some of it is (peri) menopausal. Some of it is possibly because for some reason I’ve stopped taking my happy pills. Come on. So many of us suffer from stress and anxiety. Modern society has created a lifestyle and human condition that means a disproportionately large number of us in the ‘developed’ world have illnesses relating to seratonin imbalance. I’ve been taking a very low level dose for years and years. I always tell my doctor I don’t want to find out what I’d be like without it and so on it I remain. But I think, and I don’t know why, I’ve stopped remembering to take it. Or have chosen to punish myself by denying myself it. I don’t know or understand. All I know is that this week I am losing a grasp on me and not liking the person infiltrating the missing space.

It’s like every pebble is a boulder; every crack is a crater; and every small task is a monumental effort.

My agitation levels are off the scale

Well, here it is - ta-da - the revised menopause game!  I've made lots of additions and changes that I hope you all like; I've managed to find enough pictures to fill in all the empty board spaces ...

Thank goodness that this week Debbie from My Random Musings posted the interview I did with her on her bloggers corner…. THAT PERSON IS ME… THIS PERSON IS AN UNWELCOME IMPOSTER.

Go and read about the real me. I’ll find her again myself in the next few days I’m sure. But until I do my rose-tinted reality is sadly hidden under a thick rough grey blanket….

my mind is usually rainbows and butterflies….     “Empereal” – acrylic on wood by me
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Debbie of My Random Musings interviewed me for a guest post on her blog…

As featured in Bloggers Corner by My Random Musings 25th March 2018

Thank you Debbie for featuring me. I hope your readers enjoy learning a bit more about my ordinarily extraordinary life 😉 ………………….


The Blogger’s Corner series is an interview series featuring advice and experience from bloggers whose blogs are older than six months.

If you would like to take part, you can find all of the details here.

This week, we have the lovely Berni from Rose Tinted Ramblings.

Berni from Rose Tinted Ramblings

1 Introduce yourself

Hi, I’m Berni from Rose Tinted Ramblings. I’m a mum, step-mum, new grandmum, artist, B&B owner, gardener, teacher, member of the Monster Raving Loony Party, part of a community that organises wacky events, carer, cafe worker, organiser, advocate and blogger. I want a bit of it all.

2 Tell us a little bit about your blog

My blog is as eclectic as me. It’s a salvation and it’s the place where I talk about anything and everything. Usually with a rose tinted glint but occasionally a rant or a shout for help.

How I’m prone to suffering from anxiety and panic attacks.

My struggles with saying ‘no’.

My love of being a mum.

How I completely revamped my life by chucking it all in and moving it to Mid Wales with my hubby and son in tow.

Basically you will read about the less than ordinary life that we lead and the thoughts and opportunities it generates.

3 What can your readers learn from your blog?

Learn? I guess that there is no such thing as ‘normal’.

My view on life is that we are all unique and everything presents an opportunity, we just have to open our eyes and see. Everything is connected. We are a community and it works best when we work together. I hope my zest for life and the pursuit of extraordinary within the ordinary helps demonstrate that.

4 What’s your favourite thing about blogging?

I love the release I get from getting my thoughts out of my head and onto the screen. Occasionally they never reach the ‘publish’ button, but they’re out there. I love the interactions that a post can generate and the conversations they can start. And sometimes the doors they open presenting me with new opportunities

5 And your least favourite thing about blogging?

I’ve been blogging a while now but only very recently thought about making it any more than an online diary. I want to move to the next level without changing my ethos of openness and honesty.

I am finding it really hard to decide how and where to start with working with brands and generating a little bit of income from my blog. I guess I dislike my indecision and procrastination about taking the leap and contacting a brand (so if you want to offer me any tips I’d be most grateful).

The other reason I don’t move forward is the tech… it’s scary.

6 Tell us one random fact about you

I think I’m pretty random as it is. …but here’s one…. I have an alter ego, Lady Lily the Pink (she even has her own Facebook Page), oh and I drive a magenta pink 1968 Hillman Husky with a pink fur roof…. the car came first everything else pink in my life followed. I guess that’s two things, but who’s counting #rulesaretheretobebroken

Berni's car

7 If you could only blog about one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be and why?

It would be about our life in Llanwrtyd Wells (LW) because that would encompass so much – my B&B, Cerdyn Villa, which made the whole move here possible; the being a Loony; because LW was the spiritual home of Monster Raving loony Party founder, Screaming Lord Sutch, (it’s also where he played his last ever gig before he died); its where we raised our son; it’s where all the other weird stuff happens like the World Bog Snorkelling which I help organise and commentate for, and likewise the man v horse marathon and the Real Ale Wobble…. It’s also the place where I became a real artist.

8 What was the hardest part of starting your blog and why?

Starting the blog was easy. I went in with no expectations other than getting stuff off my chest. Growing it into something that justifies the amount of time I give to it, is another thing entirely

9 If you could give new bloggers one piece of advice, what would it be?

Let it evolve. Talk to as many other bloggers as possible. All the help we need is out there so keep asking questions.

10 Is there anything you know now that you wish you’d known in the beginning?

No. I’m glad I didn’t know it could be a way of earning money because I don’t think I would have enjoyed it so much. There are things I wish I knew now. However, I am finding them out. Slowly.

11 Do you have any long term goals for your blog?

I want my blog to stay as loose and real as it already is but encompass an earning opportunity. When people read it, whether it’s just me chatting about life or me writing something sponsored. I want it to have the same ‘straight from the heart, through the fingers to the page’ feel as it does now.

I’m working towards making that possible

I’d also love to meet up with some of the fabulous sounding people I talk to out there. Perhaps I should organise a meet up at my B&B 😉

Berni with her car and a pink umbrella

12 Who’s your blogging hero?

As an artist the first artist blogger I followed and still do is Janet Weight with her lovely watercolours, hummingbirds and gentle prose.

Then there’s the mummy bloggers: Lucy of What My Fridge Says because she’s edgy and hilarious; Dawn of Rhyming With Wine for her zest and poetry; Jo, Slummy Single Mum, again for her humour but also she has teens.

For comedic value and the first blogger I really had any banter with, Steve McSteveFace…(I don’t know his real surname) he makes me laugh. His blog is random and eclectic. As he says himself “I’M JUST A GUY, WRITING STUFF ON A BLOG – HOPING PEOPLE WILL READ IT”. Well me too.

There are so many more I could list, including some fantastic dad bloggers, and obviously you, Debbie.

13 What’s your favourite social media network and why?

It used to be Facebook. But since I found Twitter I think that’s become my social media of choice. It’s not bogged down with advertising, it doesn’t sort your shit out and tell you what you want to read, you get to do that . It’s just easier to navigate from a blogger perspective.

I’m a bit slow at grasping social media… I have both Pinterest and Instagram accounts but haven’t really embraced them yet.


14 Anything else you want to share with us?

So much. That’s why I write.

Seriously though, I want to share my gratitude to those of you who have read me, commented on me, re-tweeted me, shared me, and/or follow me; those bloggers who’ve inspired me (I will have told you in a comment somewhere I’m sure); those bloggers I’m yet to discover; and in particular Hayley of Mission Mindfulness, who gave me my first guest post opportunity and you Debbie for giving me my second.

15 Where can we find you? (blog link and links to any social media)

My blog, TwitterFacebook and my B&B Facebook page.


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because we’re all worth it….

I consider myself a pretty open, kind, friendly person.  Not meaning to big myself up but I would say I’m the type of person that not only is compelled to advocate for those unable or unwilling to defend themselves but also the type of friend, whose aim it is to improve your day, help you feel better about yourself or your situation and generally give you a life ‘leg up’.

I’m not saying that I’m special or unique in this, I have great friends and acquaintances who will brighten my day; bolster my ego; help me believe in myself; lift me up when I fall; even scrape me off the ground and help fix me when I’m broken.

When  I can I aim to live a life ‘paying it forward’. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’m some sort of saint.  I definitely have wicked thoughts; times when I might wish ill on a person (criminals, politicians, arseholes, wankers… those sorts of people…), but generally I think I live altruistically and in consideration of others. And to be honest, it’s almost a selfish thing, because living this way makes my own life better.  Yes, maybe it is just about me(!).

Living like this can start with small things like a smile; an offer to help with a bag; a comment about a nice pair of shoes someones wearing; a coffee for a homeless person; a queue jump for someone with only a couple of items… nothing earth shattering just common courtesy and human consideration

There have been times in my life when I have felt helpless and hopeless: worthless even. In those times I have had many great and varied friends who have helped me. One friend would just come and sit in companionable silence with me doing her sewing or knitting; others would take on small tasks; some would send a card with a comical or meaningful message; the odd phone call; an invitation for coffee.  Basically they were kind and considerate.  When people provide some of their precious time for you – be it a whole day or just a fleeting moment; they are seeing you, and at those rock bottom times in life where you feel worthless or invisible those fleeting moments can carry you through a day.

I am sure that those who gave of themselves to me benefitted from doing so.  I know I feel great if I can make someone smile, cheer someone up or help them out.  We are social animals, we work best in communities.  As women our nature is to nurture.  Happily for me, I’m a natural at it, I’m almost addicted to it.

We all need our friends and family to remind us how extraordinary we each are.  Sometimes we need to dip in and take from the pool of strength and support; other times we pour into it.

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