Something happened the day after my sons 21st birthday celebrations that knocked the wind out of my sails, it literally started eroding at the foundations of my self belief and the one trait I thought I had that kept me safe and well in the world.
The trait in question is (was) my unfailing ability to pick up on emotional signals and my empathetic abilities. I know if someone is just humouring me. I recognise when someone is feigning happiness, I know if someone likes or doesn’t like me. I can tell who the genuine people are.
Then the 10th November 2018 happened and now I don’t trust myself any more.
I am apologising to everyone every time I say or type anything, in case its offended or been mis interpreted. I point out that my comment was a joke or sarcasm, or sincere. I double-check that the person I am interacting with is genuinely happy or understanding of the conversation in play.
I’m on edge. I’m unnerved. I don’t trust my instincts
Basically, I’m sad
I don’t know how to move on from it. The situation in question is not one I can put out here. Partly because I am embarrassed and saddened by it, but mainly because I can’t wrap my head around it or make any sense of it at all. It came from nowhere, hit me like a bolt of lightning and has left me dumbstruck, shaken and nervous.
How can one person have such a profound and devastating effect on me. Or as I should say, how can I allow the reactions/emotions of one person, control my mental wellbeing so profoundly.
Is it human nature to dwell on the negative? Or is it just people who are more mentally ‘fragile’ or ’empathetic’ who are affected this way. If I read 100 great reviews of my B&B and one is even slightly negative, I will dwell with huge disproportion on that tiny negative point. Is that a ‘normal’ human reaction or is it just me with my self doubt , anxiety and human frailty?
So when I discover someone I love and think very highly of and who I thought had similar feelings towards myself finds me threatening or offensive , how do I move on and recover from that? When that other person, has their message passed to me and I am immediately aware that their message will impact on others who I love and care deeply for, how do I separate it from the other joys. It’s tainting other relationships. Instead of relaxed conversation and free-flowing chatter I have to second think everything before I type or say it. ” what are your plans this weekend” might be misread into ” will you be allowed to see me”. Or maybe now I am actually thinking the latter and wondering if I should say anything at all, so in the end decide to say nothing at all. So then I’m not speaking to one person I care about in case I am misinterpreted by another I did care deeply about but am now slightly intimidated and afraid of. I don’t want to be intimidated and afraid. I don’t want to be walking on eggshells.
I don’t want to be sad.
But I am