Mental health and wellbeing crisis alert…

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I’m struggling.

I feel unwell but I don’t think I’m sick.   I thought I was sick.  I feel sure I had a hormone related migraine.  Do you get them.?  When I get them, which is not every month but when I do they always fall just before a period.   (A joyous additional PMT symptom that provides more proof that should I believe in a god I would be sure it would be male! ) Sometimes they’re full on agonising headache; where a dark room isn’t dark enough; where the pressure is so great I vomit.  Sometimes they just mess with my mental dexterity;  I can’t string a sentence together, I can’t process the words i see into words i read and understand;  I can’t balance, my spacial awareness is fucked.  If you get them you will recognise the joys.

I’m hot. Or I’m cold. I wake up in a pool of sweat. My entire body hurts. When I sleep my legs hurt and wake me up. My arms go numb.  (Yes I’ve tried turning the mattress and yes I’ve got myself a new pillow…)

I’m irritable and irrational. Small things are overwhelming.

I’m finding it difficult, nigh on impossible, to concentrate. I can’t process information. My coordination is shot. I keep forgetting things. Instantly. Like the dinner I was in the middle of cooking. Or the soldering iron I switched on to heat up. Or who is on the end of the ringing phone of the call I’m making.

This week I’ve been awake when I should be asleep. Asleep when I should be awake.

I’ve wanted to scream at so many people. I’ve burnt things. I’ve dropped things.

Making a meal has been a taxing task. I love cooking. I manage cafes, I run a B&B, I entertain friends. I’ve mis-timed, undercooked, overcooked, left out basic ingredients (the cheese from the cheese sauce for example)..

I’m tearful. I’m angry. I’m frustrated. I’m stressed.

Did I mention I want to scream at people? Yep. grrrr

I am totally not me. I’m this other.

Some of it is PMT. But at my age, some of it is (peri) menopausal. Some of it is possibly because for some reason I’ve stopped taking my happy pills. Come on. So many of us suffer from stress and anxiety. Modern society has created a lifestyle and human condition that means a disproportionately large number of us in the ‘developed’ world have illnesses relating to seratonin imbalance. I’ve been taking a very low level dose for years and years. I always tell my doctor I don’t want to find out what I’d be like without it and so on it I remain. But I think, and I don’t know why, I’ve stopped remembering to take it. Or have chosen to punish myself by denying myself it. I don’t know or understand. All I know is that this week I am losing a grasp on me and not liking the person infiltrating the missing space.

It’s like every pebble is a boulder; every crack is a crater; and every small task is a monumental effort.

My agitation levels are off the scale

Well, here it is - ta-da - the revised menopause game!  I've made lots of additions and changes that I hope you all like; I've managed to find enough pictures to fill in all the empty board spaces ...

Thank goodness that this week Debbie from My Random Musings posted the interview I did with her on her bloggers corner…. THAT PERSON IS ME… THIS PERSON IS AN UNWELCOME IMPOSTER.

Go and read about the real me. I’ll find her again myself in the next few days I’m sure. But until I do my rose-tinted reality is sadly hidden under a thick rough grey blanket….

https://www.myrandommusings.co.uk/2018/03/bloggers-corner-berni-rose-tinted-ramblings/

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my mind is usually rainbows and butterflies….     “Empereal” – acrylic on wood by me
My Random Musings
Shank You Very Much
Monday Stumble Linky

because we’re all worth it….

I consider myself a pretty open, kind, friendly person.  Not meaning to big myself up but I would say I’m the type of person that not only is compelled to advocate for those unable or unwilling to defend themselves but also the type of friend, whose aim it is to improve your day, help you feel better about yourself or your situation and generally give you a life ‘leg up’.

I’m not saying that I’m special or unique in this, I have great friends and acquaintances who will brighten my day; bolster my ego; help me believe in myself; lift me up when I fall; even scrape me off the ground and help fix me when I’m broken.

When  I can I aim to live a life ‘paying it forward’. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’m some sort of saint.  I definitely have wicked thoughts; times when I might wish ill on a person (criminals, politicians, arseholes, wankers… those sorts of people…), but generally I think I live altruistically and in consideration of others. And to be honest, it’s almost a selfish thing, because living this way makes my own life better.  Yes, maybe it is just about me(!).

Living like this can start with small things like a smile; an offer to help with a bag; a comment about a nice pair of shoes someones wearing; a coffee for a homeless person; a queue jump for someone with only a couple of items… nothing earth shattering just common courtesy and human consideration

There have been times in my life when I have felt helpless and hopeless: worthless even. In those times I have had many great and varied friends who have helped me. One friend would just come and sit in companionable silence with me doing her sewing or knitting; others would take on small tasks; some would send a card with a comical or meaningful message; the odd phone call; an invitation for coffee.  Basically they were kind and considerate.  When people provide some of their precious time for you – be it a whole day or just a fleeting moment; they are seeing you, and at those rock bottom times in life where you feel worthless or invisible those fleeting moments can carry you through a day.

I am sure that those who gave of themselves to me benefitted from doing so.  I know I feel great if I can make someone smile, cheer someone up or help them out.  We are social animals, we work best in communities.  As women our nature is to nurture.  Happily for me, I’m a natural at it, I’m almost addicted to it.

We all need our friends and family to remind us how extraordinary we each are.  Sometimes we need to dip in and take from the pool of strength and support; other times we pour into it.

Monday Stumble Linky
One Messy Mama

 

Life is a journey…

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We’re in Wales by chance /luck /good fortune / lack of constraint / great openmindness / not taking our responsibilities seriously/ taking our responsibilities very seriously…. depends from what mind you view our actions.

I would say that life is about keeping an open mind, and following the heart.  There are so many paths to explore, why fix the route?

I liken it to following a map and road signs rather than SATNAV.  SATNAV takes you from A to B on the quickest or easiest route.  You remain completely oblivious to the places and sights you might only be moments away from.  You just focus on the end goal.  The final destination.  You don’t even read the road signs as you pass them (especially those lovely brown touristy ones and those white ones with weird sounding names of teeny villages and hamlets)

Crossroad signpost saying this way, that way, another way concep

Following the route on a map you might notice points C,E, D…X, Y, Z; just off in the distance that you could easily detour too.  You can see that there is another, slightly more wiggly path that might be an interesting alternative to part of your journey and you can just nip off in that direction for a bit and take in the sights.

I always read the map.

detour-sign

I can be heading along the road of life and I get to a junction.  SATNAV would have me go straight on, but over there to the left of me there’s this really cool looking thing going on, so I whip off along that new route.  Once I’m there I could still head back the way I came, and I might, but from this new position there’s another junction and there are loads of circular routes to explore and even a couple of longer roads and corners to venture down where who knows what might be at the end.  Exciting isn’t it?  Ok so it might be a dead end.  I may have to double back a bit.  But what have I really lost?  I haven’t really lost any time, I’ve used that time to try something or see something and concluded its not for me.  I’ve had an experience.  Hopefully I’ve learned something from that experience…. time will tell.

I still have a destination to reach.  My destination is happiness and fulfillment.  See my children grow with open hearts and minds of their own.  Embrace my grandchildren.  Give back to the planet.  Love and be loved.  Fit in as much happiness for me and those around me as I can before I die.

All our lives are a journey from A to Z . None of us get out of it alive.   So why not explore a little?  We don’t need to take the most direct route.

lofe journey

Mission Mindfulness